I am impatient.I like doing my own things, do not suffer fools easily and can be a real pain.I am also famous for my quick deduction skills like the Mentalist(I wish)!Fortunately, when I became a mommy I realized nothing is exactly in my own hand.
The super planner became relaxed mommy almost overnight.There really was no use stressing or pre-planning rigidly.As long the baby was healthy and we were healthy, everything else was a non-issue.This was a new birth for me.I was reborn with a patient bone this time.
I am patient towards my child.Other places I am calmer.I actually try to hold my tongue.I hope with time, this tongue holding will be automatically directed by my brain and not be a mad wrestle for power between brain and tongue.
Anger management for moms: Not easy at all
Now the problem is I am still learning to control my impulsive behavior and anger.What has helped me is detaching myself from the events or words which are not in my control.
I have an innate urge for making fairy tale endings for all situations.The best case scenario wisher!But now I have realized a truth.
In order to keep calm and live, I need to know both best case and worst case.Pray to God for the best, try for the best but have the strength to accept the worst case scenario.
True happiness and peace come from the acceptance that, what will be will be.We are mere mortals playing our own games and forgetting we are part of a bigger game.How many of you have felt that?Maybe many, maybe none.But life needs to be lived.
For this, I have learned to channel a few emotions.Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t but I always learn something
One thing I know
- I don’t want my child to grow up thinking anything goes.It doesn’t!
- Not grow up with a distorted reality.
- Not grow up badly behaved.It’s heart breaking
I want her to grow up compassionate with good self-control.The ability to manage adversaries and adversities and still shine.I don’t want anger to spoil the inner light.
For that right now home and school are her learning ground.Home is where children learn social behavior.That’s why I realized early on as a new mom that, what I do and don’t,both will be a lesson for her.Whether I want or not.
3 Rules we have for managing anger as a family
Say sorry.Sometimes you may not mean it from the heart immediately after the episode of bad behavior Children get stubborn.
- You say sorry.
- Take a deep breath.Say sorry with feeling.Take another deep breath.
- Take another deep breath.
- Go on repeating till you feel sorry.Waiting for the last step of feeling sorry and saying so can get difficult.There’s a direct correlation between delay in admitting and the anger.This child doesn’t understand.But you need to.
This buys us time. If Rai refuses to say sorry we have step 2.
The best part of this rule.If I or hubby are at fault we don’t think twice before apologizing.
Go to the corner.Time out is important.
If she doesn’t obey.
I decide to go to the corner and not speak to her.Yes, I actually do this.This again buys me time and helps me cool down.But I try to do this as nonaggressively as possible.
Children who do not listen to time out rules or show increased aggression may be mirroring their parents.That’s the very reason as a mom I try to keep calm and remember to breathe.
In the entire process, no unkind words or shouting is allowed.
If I shout or behave unkindly I am the one who has to say sorry now!
I believe all moms are the best parent their child can have.Parenting is rarely taught.
It’s instinctive, intuitive and is the best example of underlying gut feeling, a sixth sense that we all have.
Right and wrong.Good and evil.Shades of gray are all important life lessons and difficult to impart.But does this mean you give up when it gets difficult?
No never.That’s the best part about parenting. Each day when I teach her something I learn too.When I teach her how to channel her anger I practice it too.
When I teach her to not use unkind words even in anger.I learn that too.The best way for me to stop being angry is to go and garden a little.Read a few pages of a good book or listen to HanumanChalisa on youtube.
But in the middle of a disciplinary attempt, none of this may work.
The 4th rule that works both ways.
I ask her whether I should discuss this with her class teacher or her Daddy. Now if it’s something naughty, she immediately knows that discussion with either of those named will not help her cause.
Then I find out what is making her angry.I too tell her what is making me angry.
This starts a bargaining discussion about the type of punishment or duration of it.I sometimes tell her about what she missed by this particular behavior.That helps too.It’s a form of punishment where fear of missing out is a strong factor.
I try to make her remember why she did what she did and how she feels when she is scolded.
When I feel like shouting at my kids I try to remember how I feel when someone shouts at me.Not a good feeling right?
My daughter is five now.At this age, she is more likely to listen and adjust her behavior.
When is anger and aggression in children cause for worry and may need professional help?
- If it’s disruptive and repetitive.
- Male gender.Typically aggression and excessive acting out are more common in boys.Aggressive tendencies are heritable.Environmental factors may promote in susceptible children.
- It is commonly associated with family unemployment or discord.
- Criminality, psychiatric disorder, births to teenage or unmarried mothers.
The parents psychological status seems to influence the child’s mental makeup from a very early age.
Boys with a high level of aggressive behavior at three to six years need early effective family focused counseling and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.They run the risk of being aggressive adolescents.Adolescent aggression management is more challenging and interventions are less likely to be successful. (Reference*Nelson Text book of Pediatrics, Chapter Disruptive behavior.)
Writing this for #MondayMommyMoments.
I have two questions for you.Do you handle anger well?What kind of behavior makes you most angry?Comment below to let me know.
Our #MondayMommyMoments27 winner is Prisha .Read her winning post here!
Do you know what makes us happy?Finding how happy moms are when we tell them about our favorites.
— DrAmrita Basu(Misra) (@misra_amrita) July 16, 2017
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