I am impatient.I like doing my own things, do not suffer fools easily and can be a real pain.I am also famous for my quick deduction skills like the Mentalist(I wish)!Fortunately, when I became a mommy I realized nothing is exactly in my own hand.
The super planner became relaxed mommy almost overnight.There really was no use stressing or pre-planning rigidly.As long the baby was healthy and we were healthy, everything else was a non-issue.This was a new birth for me.I was reborn with a patient bone this time.
I am patient towards my child.Other places I am calmer.I actually try to hold my tongue.I hope with time, this tongue holding will be automatically directed by my brain and not be a mad wrestle for power between brain and tongue.
Anger management for moms: Not easy at all
Now the problem is I am still learning to control my impulsive behavior and anger.What has helped me is detaching myself from the events or words which are not in my control.
I have an innate urge for making fairy tale endings for all situations.The best case scenario wisher!But now I have realized a truth.
In order to keep calm and live, I need to know both best case and worst case.Pray to God for the best, try for the best but have the strength to accept the worst case scenario.
True happiness and peace come from the acceptance that, what will be will be.We are mere mortals playing our own games and forgetting we are part of a bigger game.How many of you have felt that?Maybe many, maybe none.But life needs to be lived.
For this, I have learned to channel a few emotions.Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t but I always learn something
One thing I know
- I don’t want my child to grow up thinking anything goes.It doesn’t!
- Not grow up with a distorted reality.
- Not grow up badly behaved.It’s heart breaking
I want her to grow up compassionate with good self-control.The ability to manage adversaries and adversities and still shine.I don’t want anger to spoil the inner light.
For that right now home and school are her learning ground.Home is where children learn social behavior.That’s why I realized early on as a new mom that, what I do and don’t,both will be a lesson for her.Whether I want or not.
3 Rules we have for managing anger as a family
#One
Say sorry.Sometimes you may not mean it from the heart immediately after the episode of bad behavior Children get stubborn.
- You say sorry.
- Take a deep breath.Say sorry with feeling.Take another deep breath.
- Take another deep breath.
- Go on repeating till you feel sorry.Waiting for the last step of feeling sorry and saying so can get difficult.There’s a direct correlation between delay in admitting and the anger.This child doesn’t understand.But you need to.
This buys us time. If Rai refuses to say sorry we have step 2.
Be determined.
The best part of this rule.If I or hubby are at fault we don’t think twice before apologizing.
#Two
Go to the corner.Time out is important.
If she doesn’t obey.
#Three
I decide to go to the corner and not speak to her.Yes, I actually do this.This again buys me time and helps me cool down.But I try to do this as nonaggressively as possible.
Children who do not listen to time out rules or show increased aggression may be mirroring their parents.That’s the very reason as a mom I try to keep calm and remember to breathe.
In the entire process, no unkind words or shouting is allowed.
If I shout or behave unkindly I am the one who has to say sorry now!
I believe all moms are the best parent their child can have.Parenting is rarely taught.
It’s instinctive, intuitive and is the best example of underlying gut feeling, a sixth sense that we all have.
Right and wrong.Good and evil.Shades of gray are all important life lessons and difficult to impart.But does this mean you give up when it gets difficult?
No never.That’s the best part about parenting. Each day when I teach her something I learn too.When I teach her how to channel her anger I practice it too.
When I teach her to not use unkind words even in anger.I learn that too.The best way for me to stop being angry is to go and garden a little.Read a few pages of a good book or listen to HanumanChalisa on youtube.
But in the middle of a disciplinary attempt, none of this may work.
The 4th rule that works both ways.
I ask her whether I should discuss this with her class teacher or her Daddy. Now if it’s something naughty, she immediately knows that discussion with either of those named will not help her cause.
5th Step
Then I find out what is making her angry.I too tell her what is making me angry.
This starts a bargaining discussion about the type of punishment or duration of it.I sometimes tell her about what she missed by this particular behavior.That helps too.It’s a form of punishment where fear of missing out is a strong factor.
I try to make her remember why she did what she did and how she feels when she is scolded.
When I feel like shouting at my kids I try to remember how I feel when someone shouts at me.Not a good feeling right?
My daughter is five now.At this age, she is more likely to listen and adjust her behavior.
When is anger and aggression in children cause for worry and may need professional help?
- If it’s disruptive and repetitive.
- Male gender.Typically aggression and excessive acting out are more common in boys.Aggressive tendencies are heritable.Environmental factors may promote in susceptible children.
- It is commonly associated with family unemployment or discord.
- Criminality, psychiatric disorder, births to teenage or unmarried mothers.
The parents psychological status seems to influence the child’s mental makeup from a very early age.
Boys with a high level of aggressive behavior at three to six years need early effective family focused counseling and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.They run the risk of being aggressive adolescents.Adolescent aggression management is more challenging and interventions are less likely to be successful. (Reference*Nelson Text book of Pediatrics, Chapter Disruptive behavior.)
Writing this for #MondayMommyMoments.
I have two questions for you.Do you handle anger well?What kind of behavior makes you most angry?Comment below to let me know.
Today’s Prompt:
Our #MondayMommyMoments27 winner is Prisha .Read her winning post here!
Do you know what makes us happy?Finding how happy moms are when we tell them about our favorites.
Congratulations Prisha @Mummasaurus1 we loved your entry .https://t.co/wUMzqx19rF @Deepagandhi1 #MondayMommyMoments pic.twitter.com/T30LJlcLbx
— DrAmrita Basu(Misra) (@misra_amrita) July 16, 2017
How to link up? We have simple rules.
RULES OF LINKY:
Comment on this post and co-hosts post You can write a post prompt or link up your new post in the linky. We share and visit each blogger who links up. This is not just a blog hop.This is a journey. That’s a total of at least 4 posts we want you to give some love. Write the post and Link Up with Amrita or Deepa. Copy the badge code and put it at the end of your post.
Follow on Twitter @Deepagandhi1 & @misra_amrita Use #Mondaymommymoments or #MMM in your post and share on social media using the same hashtag. By Joining the linky you are giving us permission to email and or tweet you a weekly reminder. Did you know reading blogs makes your Alexa better? We deeply believe in community spirit.Eagerly looking forward to visiting your blogs. Prompts will be announced every Sunday at 21.00 hrs IST.Linky opens till Sunday 21.00 hours.We always visit the blogs and promote them as much as possible.It’s like your own blog promo.What’s not to love? We share your entries on Twitter and other social media platforms generously. Who doesn’t like blog promotion? Click the blue button below and submit your blog post.
Fantastic post on an important topic
Thanks
Very well pointed out Amrita, kids are our copies they do, imbibe which we show them. I see my lil one uses the words which sometimes come out my mouth inadvertently. Later I feel guilt why did I.. but yes Kids teach us to be Patient and better. I like today’s Dipika much more than yesterday’s..
Love your posts.. always
Thank you Dipika.
You have mentioned many great tips and only if we can remember all these when we really feel like yelling. Anger management is not that easy especially when kids test our patience but we have to control for our kids sake and to teach them patience themselves.
True Deepa
I can see my daughter repeating my behaviour. The good and the bad. and this calls for an improvement in me at the first place. My boy whenever becomes aggressive, I talk to him calmly.
Very important.
It is true that children mirror their parents. Thus, when we want them to behave in a particular fashion we have to be an embodiment of the same behaviour. Saying sorry to the child for our mistakes lays down the foundation of a respectable relationship between the parent and the child. This was a detailed post letting us know about your process of dealing with anger.
Thanks Anamika
I do find this funny, that our kids tend to be more scared of their teachers. And even though daddies are more ‘fun’ for my kids, they are scared of him!
Very detailed post with some useful and practical tips. Thanks for sharing.
I need these tips! But when periods related mood swings and irritability strike, most of these go out of the window (hides in shame)
Thanks Neha
A very detailed post, Amrita. We also don’t hesitate in apologizing if we are at fault. At the end of the day, anger is pointless though yelling is what we all succumb to once in a while.
Thanks Rachna
Great tips, I need to work on my anger management for sure.
Such a great article as always. I really like the idea of “detaching myself from the events or words which are not in my control”. That takes care of most of the anxiety of the day!
Thanks Natasha
I am impatient too, especially when my grade school son messes his things during tantrums. I think I need these anger management steps
I’m not a mom but i’m learning the benefits of deep breathing to calm myself down as i have Anxiety. These are all such great tips for keeping your cool.
Thanks Ellie
This change of phase Happens for almost everyone .. Even Men goes through this phase too 🙂
Anger can be so detrimental especially after we become parents it’s important to take stock sync focus on anger management as the little ones will look up to us as role models. Nice tips Amrita and s great topic for moms to reflect on
Very true Akshata.
A calm approach by the parent is what’s needed to control anger. What a detailed version you gave there! We as parents need to take the lead in setting an example to our kids on how to handle anger.
Thanks Tulika
Our daughter is almost 20 months and so her little attitude is starting to show and she knows how to push every button. So this is helpful. When we try to make her say “I’m sorry” she whispers it instead of saying it as her subtle act of defiance. The teenage years are going to be so fun!
Yes they are going to be fun too!
I swear, anger management is so important when you have kids around, since they learn what the see.. Sometimes it gets difficult for me too but I immediately accept saying sorry. Your tips are great for any mother to work out good learnings for a child.
Thanks Jhilmil
I do have more patience since having kids. But man, sometimes they do like to try it. I sometimes also have to take a time out with myself to calm down. But I admit, sometimes I do yell.
Thanks Amber
That’s the best part about parenting. Each day when I teach her something I learn too.
How beautiful. 🙂
Thanks Leo
This is definitely something I need to work on. I’m very quick to get annoyed and I’m not good at hiding it or keeping it in. I definitely need to learn to take a moment to calm down before reacting because it usually ends up not being worth getting angry over.
Yes that’s true.
It is so important to control your anger in front of your kids. Kids are really mirroring their parents behaviors so we should always try to set the right example.
Thanks, Emmanuelle .
Anger management is very important, even to non mommies 🙂 Sometimes I get angry even for silly things. I need to follow these steps. If we take our time, especially in non aggressive way, I think our anger automatically controls. I should try next time when I get angry or annoyed.
Very true.