What happens when fights happen in front of the little ears?
Which relationship doesn’t have this?
When all is said and done, marriage is like a soul dance. Sometimes it’s great music sometimes the tones are jarring.
The main thing we realized when Rai was growing up is we didn’t need to fight, children pick up cold behavior tone of voice everything.
That was probably why we decided to keep our disagreements for after her bedtime.
But you know how you are right?
If you have a bee in the bonnet you need to get it out.
The mind buzzes.But you try to try very hard.
I have a few incidents and my learnings from these.Also a few things I decided to do to get this done right.
One day in the middle of a semi-heated disagreement.(I prefer to use this word, its neutral) I saw my daughter looking sadly up at me.I smiled at her and said
Rai close your ears please .Mommy has something important to say .
She gave a lopsided look and said
But mom I can still hear you !
That was not good.
My hubby is really good at keeping his mouth shut and in all honesty, tries hard to deflect my irritations with nice words. I try his patience.Then he gets curt.The angrier he gets the colder Ihs words and fewer they become.My reaction:
Louder and angrier words!
Now Rai is a smart kid. We try to keep disagreements of serious nature or discussion about people she knows, away from her hearing.The topics which she hears are mundane.
But she helps us get grounded by saying
Smile and say, mommy,
Or
Daddy be kind to mommy.
This makes us both smile and things get more relaxed.
From all lectures books and TV shows which tell us tO handle anger better.Do this or that. The only thing that works for me is inside out.
I have seen words somehow have a life of their own.The more aggressive the choice of words, the more vicious and volatile the situation turns.
I need to measure the pros and cons of that particular discussion and its impact on the little one.
Sometimes we tell her that some disagreement is okay since we also sometimes disagree with her.But we can do it kindly without using nasty words and being unkind.
Life has roses and thorns ugly fights are just that .Ugly.
Not your spouse, not your in-laws not your friends and definitely not the people who help you, can you afford to lose your temper with.
But that doesn’t mean you cant disagree and discuss important stuff.
Children need to know how to handle negative emotions and jump back.
They need to know how to put forward their viewpoints and still keep a balance in the relationship.
They need to learn how to find the truth and chaff in any discussion and decide their action.
Not reacting is always in your hand.
How someone makes you feel is in your own hands.
Everyone everywhere will not agree with you.Should you get along just to avoid the conflict?
Should you learn to stand up for the truth and what’s right?
When should you let sleeping tigers sleep?
When should you get ready to battle with your armor on?
Difficult questions and even more difficult life .
But no one said being a mommy was easy.You all will need to find these answers just like I am finding out.
It can be the easy way or the hard way
How to handle conflict?
A few things after being friends for 17 years with my hubby of 10 years.
Direct and not manipulative.Sometimes in order to avoid trouble, you want to be sneaky.That’s not good since the problem is worse when the other person finds out.But be careful the Truth should not hurt.
Hurting the person you love will not help, however good your intentions are.
Avoid shouting, angry words unkind words.This is difficult but works well to resolve a matter quickly.
Try to avoid rehashing old stories and events (I struggle with this one all the time.I have to pull my tongue back mentally, to avoid repeating my woes.My hubby just tells me one thing.
Are you ready to listen to my list ?
Avoid being the pessimist in the conversation.That’s, not the way to getting your own way.
If you want to work it oiut calmly, work out before you talk.The endorphin rush makes you a more relaxed person in the discussion.Trust me it will help..
Give them a hug or a kiss in the middle of the discussion, this lightens up the mood and is a good reminder for both of us that this is not ground zero!
Pick battles carefully.With evidence , backup plans A to Z and the options charted out.
The only problem with me
My hubby knows me too well.I think the best way forward for me is to control the body language.Working on that part.Maybe working from inside will help us more
So today before I draw up a battle plan I think only one thing?
How will this make me feel afterwards ?Is it worth it?
Also no angry unkind words to each other at all!That’s a promise
Let’s teach them to agree to disagree happens in all relationships but we don’t need to be mean.That does not work.
What about you?What are your triggers?
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A lot of this resonates with me because I have trouble keeping my anger in check and my husband seldom heeds me when my fuse is off. We try to be as well-behaved with each other in front of them as possible, though. Kids do understand everything.
Yes kids do understand everything.
We tend to forget one thing when you fight in front of kids, THEY NOTICE. From my own experience ,initially when my parents fought, I used to feel really bad. . I loved your tips and hopefully can follow them when i have kids :).
That’s a great idea! Working from the inside! I am so like you, i react with louder and angrier words. I have been working on it, but my hubby helps a lot by making me realize my temper and tone.
Parents fighting in front of kids is a strict no-no. All such discussions should be limited to private conversation away from where children are there.
Absolutely agree one can have a disagreement without raising one’s voice and having a fair disagreement will show kids that or is OK to voice ones opinion in life. Yes any actual arguments are better off when kids are not around
Agree to disagree but lets not be mean – how true! Its not easy but parents can try to control their emotions in front of kids. They pick u everything as you said.
Handling arguments in front of kids is not so easy. But you are doing so well. Thanks for sharing your experience. Agree that shouting or unkind words only worsen the situation and should be avoided
Children have vivid imaginations. I remember once when my daughter was in class 3 she complained of double vision. So I took her to the Eye specialist who after a long wait checked her up and then asked me to call my husband before he gave his diagnosis. You can imagine how scared I was . This was in the days before cell phones and hubby at home was equally worried why we were taking so long. When he hot footed it to the clinic the doctor asked us if we were fighting in front of the kids. It seems that in her class that year several parents split up so she was wondering and worried that soon it would be our turn!
It isn’t always good to fight in front of the kids because in any case they pick up that something is not quite right between daddy and mummy.
My triggers vary according to my mood. Sometimes anything can annoy me while sometimes nothing can!
Thats so insightful.Thank you for sharing your personal story.Deeply appreciate this.
A very important topic to debate on. Yes, anger can get the best of us at times and especially in a long relationship, fights will be there. But it is essential to let the child know that there is still love in the relationship and this is a temporary disagreement.
this is such an important issue and you had covered each point so wonderfully. i agree it is all about having a better understanding with your spouse. keep the discussion positive, have a problem solving approach is key to avoid negativity and unnecessary pressure on kids.
I think as long as parents are civil and not over the board it’s ok to have some arguments… before the kids. Although I strictly feel, that it should not become a habit.
Parents’ mutual behavior creates a long lasting impression on the kids. It is very important to keep them away from such negativity.
One of the most embarrassing situation arises when your kid asks you the reason for this fight. And secondly, I have experienced that shaming your spouse in front of your kid will never resolve a situation. Infact, you will feel ashamed later in front of your kid.
I observed that kids get frightened and insecure when parents fight before them. Fortunately, I don’t shout or scold when I am angry. I let out my emotion by crying. But, there should be one way or the other to let out our emotions. I don’t want my kids to see us shouting or hurting each other’s feelings. I want them to learn that it is OK to disagree but instead of shouting / hurting others, they should try to cool themselves and talk with logic.