Motherhood Guilt and a Surprising Thing I Learned

Motherhood is complex. I don’t know about fathers but being a mom for me, was all about actually growing up and trying to be my best self. It’s the time when you truly realize your strengths weaknesses super powers and Achilles heel(s). It’s also when you realize the power of family/community and their lack thereof.

It’s super cool to have a small compact modern family. The joint family, and extended family, all come with baggage. But it’s the nuclear family challenges, I know most about. It’s definitely easier to do your thing, but it’s also the reason, why over 40% of women in healthcare retired silently during and post-pandemic.

People talk a lot about the good free childcare available in the European country. In India it’s expensive, it’s probably expensive in America. But what they don’t talk about is the child in childcare. Both my sister and I grew up in a creche or daycare center. Different ones.

The recent movie starring Rani Mukherjee narrates the true story of Mrs. Chatterjee vs Norway.

From six months until I was ten, I used to go to a creche that provided pre-primary schooling and then after school. The school bus dropped me off at the creche. In the eighties, my mom was a working woman a central government employee my father was largely absent doing his own things, and child care wasn’t easy to find. Leaving the kid at home with an ayah didn’t go down well, with one time a kitchen fire breaking out, and another time, a potentially erratic mentally challenged neighbor wandering in.

Both my paternal grandparents were dead. The only other option was a paid babysitter or an ayah who heavens know was expensive, incompetent, and often plain untrustworthy. That problem has still not been resolved but daycare offers got slightly better.

I had all the plans in the world for a daycare option for my child. But then God guides you in every decision in the strangest ways.

I heard of a traumatic event a friend’s child underwent at a daycare facility. I saw on television the brutality at a Mumbai daycare center. A potential kidnapper who had sent a ransom letter threatening the kidnap of someone’s child, and the drugging of an infant by a day ayah were disparate stories that made an impact on me as a new mom. I was still determined to work and my mom and husband pitched in to help. While we did have help during the day, she was a multipurpose worker who didn’t handle the kid. My mom was still working but close to retirement.

But then we got transferred to a new town because of the job.No mom . Middle of nowhere. Life changed. I always wanted to be financially independent. My paternal grandmother was a working woman in the sixties in India. My mother and all my maternal aunts were in Government service . With such examples, I was a third-generation working mom with all the experience and the same problems.

Society was supportive of working women, but true help was still missing. Childcare leave is a great benefit and helped me during my brief stint in Government service.

We had relatives but not close ones. We had friends but no one who was near . We didn’t have any experience and money was just okay.I started reading make money online on my new Samsung Tablet with the baby sleeping in my lap. It was a brave new world. I was working full-time for a medical college and was supposed to be teaching Medical students. But infrastructural and staff issues meant, I ended up doing slog work, night emergencies, and myriad other work not in the job description.

Nothing was how I planned it . I dreamt my dream into reality and it was hard. Personal challenges in relationships made the work stress acute . There always seemed to be a time crunch, legal or ethical crunch.

I was being swept away by currents I had no way of even seeing and less of fighting. My husband was a tower of strength and gave me the help I needed. The professional struggles continued and the baby grew.

It was 2018 by the time the struggles at the hospital reached a peak when I was told by a senior that if there was no solution to a patient’s problems due to any infrastructural or associated reason, the patient should not be kept in the hospital bed the next day as his responsibility.The referral was difficult as the higher authorities didn’t want that . But what happens when there simply isn’t the necessary instrument, infrastructure, or expertise? As doctors we know what to do.Explaining that to patients may or may not be difficult depending on the patient. But try explaining that to authorities, and insurance providers and you will know what I am talking about.

My hubby got transferred. We both resigned. It just didn’t make sense for us as a family to live separately. We didn’t want to do it and thank God we decided early before the pandemic.

Because the pandemic brought about all the fears of what-ifs. The stories of pandemic orphans and the cries of the young and old gave things a new perspective. Both of us being healthcare workers with high exposure to at-risk people, were worried. But then by God’s grace, we received the N95 and face shields though hardly any PPE kits. But we managed.

The sanitization of shoes with spirit meant leather shoes had little life. And the clothes became threadbare with all the incessant washing and disinfecting . No household help meant my husband realized I cook with more vessels than he thought. The dishes were cleared umpteen times.I still felt guilty for no logical reason.I was afraid to delve deep.

I wanted to work and do my duty but I was also worried.

In all this, my mom felt ill and she was diagnosed with gallstones complicated by pancreatitis leading to septicemia. But no COVID.The doctors who treated her were excellent and she recovered well, underwent surgery and managed to make us realize again how grateful we were . But I couldn’t visit her then. My hubby went and my sister with her husband managed all the necessary work. I was on baby duty.

So what do all these ramblings have to do with motherhood guilt? Well moms you know it right?

It’s the guilt of not doing enough.

It’s the guilt of doing too much of the wrong kind.

It’s the guilt of mollycoddling.

It’s the fear of not hugging them enough.

It’s the fear of too much expectation.

It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s the fear of all the parenting experts telling us what we are doing wrong. Luckily our parents escaped that. Too much information about how to do it right, will give rise to decision paralysis so stop that.

I realized many people think, mothers wanting to leave to take care of their children, are just full of excuses. If society would leverage what women bring to the table, the world would be a better place.

My wishes

Childcare is in-house in all Government workplaces and may be in a group private workplace. Let schools have options for daycare services. Link Hospitals with daycare centers for timely help. Have a health care team allotted to each district for the schools.

You and your child are a unit. Parents and children are a complete unit. You know what the little one needs but you are afraid to trust your gut. In case of ill health consult an expert but child-led feeding and child-led parenting work well But remember the child is a child and everything he or she wants is not appropriate. Use your gut feeling and be honest with yourself.

You are responsible for the work you do, not the fruits of it. You have the right to work, but for the work’s sake only. You have no right to the fruits of work. The desire for the fruits of work must never be your motive in working. Never give way to laziness, either..”

Bhagavad Gita

International Mother’s Day is on 14th May 2023 . Celebrating motherhood happens every day, each time you remember to thank your mother for helping you grow and be who you are. As a mother, you will always want the best for your child. Some days that will be enough, some days might need more work. Give yourself a pat on the back for always trying, no matter what.

This is my S post. Writing this with the BlogchatterAtoZ friend and the Ultimate Blog Challenge friends.

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