What happens when fights happen in front of the little ears?
Which relationship doesn’t have this?
When all is said and done, marriage is like a soul dance. Sometimes it’s great music sometimes the tones are jarring.
The main thing we realized when Rai was growing up is we didn’t need to fight, children pick up cold behavior tone of voice everything.
That was probably why we decided to keep our disagreements for after her bedtime.
But you know how you are right?
If you have a bee in the bonnet you need to get it out.
The mind buzzes.But you try to try very hard.
I have a few incidents and my learnings from these.Also a few things I decided to do to get this done right.
One day in the middle of a semi-heated disagreement.(I prefer to use this word, its neutral) I saw my daughter looking sadly up at me.I smiled at her and said
Rai close your ears please .Mommy has something important to say .
She gave a lopsided look and said
But mom I can still hear you !
That was not good.
My hubby is really good at keeping his mouth shut and in all honesty, tries hard to deflect my irritations with nice words. I try his patience.Then he gets curt.The angrier he gets the colder Ihs words and fewer they become.My reaction:
Louder and angrier words!
Now Rai is a smart kid. We try to keep disagreements of serious nature or discussion about people she knows, away from her hearing.The topics which she hears are mundane.
But she helps us get grounded by saying
Smile and say, mommy,
Or
Daddy be kind to mommy.
This makes us both smile and things get more relaxed.
From all lectures books and TV shows which tell us tO handle anger better.Do this or that. The only thing that works for me is inside out.
I have seen words somehow have a life of their own.The more aggressive the choice of words, the more vicious and volatile the situation turns.
I need to measure the pros and cons of that particular discussion and its impact on the little one.
Sometimes we tell her that some disagreement is okay since we also sometimes disagree with her.But we can do it kindly without using nasty words and being unkind.
Life has roses and thorns ugly fights are just that .Ugly.
Not your spouse, not your in-laws not your friends and definitely not the people who help you, can you afford to lose your temper with.
But that doesn’t mean you cant disagree and discuss important stuff.
Children need to know how to handle negative emotions and jump back.
They need to know how to put forward their viewpoints and still keep a balance in the relationship.
They need to learn how to find the truth and chaff in any discussion and decide their action.
Not reacting is always in your hand.
How someone makes you feel is in your own hands.
Everyone everywhere will not agree with you.Should you get along just to avoid the conflict?
Should you learn to stand up for the truth and what’s right?
When should you let sleeping tigers sleep?
When should you get ready to battle with your armor on?
Difficult questions and even more difficult life .
But no one said being a mommy was easy.You all will need to find these answers just like I am finding out.
It can be the easy way or the hard way
How to handle conflict?
A few things after being friends for 17 years with my hubby of 10 years.
Direct and not manipulative.Sometimes in order to avoid trouble, you want to be sneaky.That’s not good since the problem is worse when the other person finds out.But be careful the Truth should not hurt.
Hurting the person you love will not help, however good your intentions are.
Avoid shouting, angry words unkind words.This is difficult but works well to resolve a matter quickly.
Try to avoid rehashing old stories and events (I struggle with this one all the time.I have to pull my tongue back mentally, to avoid repeating my woes.My hubby just tells me one thing.
Are you ready to listen to my list ?
Avoid being the pessimist in the conversation.That’s, not the way to getting your own way.
If you want to work it oiut calmly, work out before you talk.The endorphin rush makes you a more relaxed person in the discussion.Trust me it will help..
Give them a hug or a kiss in the middle of the discussion, this lightens up the mood and is a good reminder for both of us that this is not ground zero!
Pick battles carefully.With evidence , backup plans A to Z and the options charted out.
The only problem with me
My hubby knows me too well.I think the best way forward for me is to control the body language.Working on that part.Maybe working from inside will help us more
So today before I draw up a battle plan I think only one thing?
How will this make me feel afterwards ?Is it worth it?
Also no angry unkind words to each other at all!That’s a promise
Let’s teach them to agree to disagree happens in all relationships but we don’t need to be mean.That does not work.
What about you?What are your triggers?
Writing this for #MondayMommyMoments
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